How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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