Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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