Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
