Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
