So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
