I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
