you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
