you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
