I wish life had little blips of pornography
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
