wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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