I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
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The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
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This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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