wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
