my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
