I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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