oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
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sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
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Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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