I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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