it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
