fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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