Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
