Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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