wat bout pragnant strippers??
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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