Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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