I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
