My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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