If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
