This is not my ceiling
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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