Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
