I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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