someone get that fucking seahorse.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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