Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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