All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
