I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
