You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
