you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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