Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
