remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Dicks are not precious.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
