shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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