Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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