Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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