im about as happy as oj after his trial
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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