omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
