Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
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he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
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I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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