I haven't been this sober since birth.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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