I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
