the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
