I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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