waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
