im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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