I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
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on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
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when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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