I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm really busy with my period
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