So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
