I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
