I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
