Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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