Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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