just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
