I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
